


black out

by valaryen



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Langst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, klangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 08:05:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16950189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valaryen/pseuds/valaryen
Summary: funny how the only thing he wanted to do would be the one thing he could never do againorin which lance mcclain, the suicidal paladin, finds out that he is immortal





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is my first story i've ever posted here on ao3, so i'm not exactly sure how well this'll turn out, but i'll guess we'll see.
> 
> the ideas with the powers comes from misfits, same with how they discover them.
> 
> lowercase is intended
> 
> [this story is very triggering so please please don't read it if you haven't checked the warnings]

a wormhole jump after an ambush by galran fleets had turned wrong, haggar somehow corrupting the hole with her magic, sending the paladins spiralling into a flash of lightning that would have been bound to kill them if it were actual electricity. instead, they were woken up after being sprawled across separate parts of the bridge.

 

keith was the first to discover that something seriously wrong had occurred during the wormhole trip, after he started hearing voices that sounded exactly like the other paladin’s. from pidge’s long mathematical equations, to hunk’s personal chanting of multiple different recipes, along with his worries, and even hearing the words of beyoncé morphed into lances voice, mixed in with strings of insecurities that seemed false with the tone of lance’s voice. he hadn’t heard anybody else’s voice yet, and he wondered if that was a good or a bad thing.

deciding that he wouldn’t go telling his team that he started hearing voices in fear of being called a madman, he chose to instead subtly hint if anybody else was experiencing weird side effects of the trip through space.

 

hunk was the next person to discover their power, accidentally turning invisible for an entire day without realising it, and wondering miserably why everybody was ignoring him. it wasn’t until he looked into the mirror before taking a shower that he saw no reflection of himself shining back at him. 

after the initial shock of being invisible, he managed to turn back into a solid form, making note to not tell anybody of what happened to him. only when he realised keith kept on bringing up that wormhole jump, he thought that maybe he may not be the only person to have some weird kind of ability.

keith, seeming to read his thoughts, approached him in front of the team meeting, curious and explain to the team that he has mind reading powers, and hunk quietly explain that he had turned invisible two days prior.

“great, not only has keith gone space mad but he brainwashed hunk with him,” lance had huffed out, seemingly not believing either of them, even if hunk was his best friend.

the snarky comment fuelled a fight between the blue and red paladin, which soon got physical fast due to pent up anger and frustration on both sides, though surprisingly being the first fist fight the so-called rivals had. the fight started with simple punches and blocks, the boys yelling at the other’s not to interfere, though the longer they fought, the more violent it got, leading to keith punching lance far too hard than was necessary on the side of his skull, causing him to drop like deadweight and to not get up again.

 

this lead to pidge, who was crying and screaming, terrified during the fight that had broke out into something more than a simple ‘boys will be boys punching match’, had somehow turned back time and got the biggest sense of déjà vu as she realised that what she was seeing had only happened minutes before. lance spoke his infamous line about how he thought keith was mad, though before the red paladin could make any kind of reaction, pidge quickly spoke up.

“lance, stop! it’s true, what they’re saying!”

lance just looked at her strangely, before voicing his thoughts.

“so, you believe them too? i thought you were the science geek, everything requires proven facts with you…”

pidge was quick to explain that she had already gone through the events of the previous moments once, and explaining how it ended the first time, and how she was so scared one minute and the next she was back in time.

the green paladin could see that lance was still sceptical, but the second shiro admitted that he so far had three visions of the close future, one including a violent fight that broke out between the blue and red paladins, and that he too feels like he had a power of some sort, lance gave in and believed the four of them, wondering alongside allura what their powers could be.

 

in the weeks that followed, the group of seven residents began to come to terms with their powers, with allura discovering that she could teleport, and coran having the strange ability to control liquid substances. lance, however, still had zero clue on what his power could be, and whilst the team sat in a circle and discussed how they could use these new-found powers in battle, the blue paladin simply sat off to the side, finding more facts and reasons as to why he was such a burden to his team, and watching as his insecurities piled up in his mind until he had trouble getting himself out of bed, let alone being able to breathe without losing a battle with pent-up anxiety.

keith had come to his door a few times, heavy with concern when his thoughts spiralled out of control, loud enough for the texan to hear from the other side of the castle whilst he had been deeply focused on his training. lance, somehow twisting the knowledge that he constantly disturbed keith’s training time into yet another dark insecurity, he began channelling his thoughts to the back of his mind in an attempt to hide what he was thinking to keith.

though it was a good method, it left him feeling completely drained and numb, excluding the constant feeling on sadness that seemed to loom over him, but never an actual thought to alert the only boy who seemed to care. he began to only leave his bed to make sure his team didn’t worry, and to spend time with keith, who he had been getting closer to each day, willingly calling the half-galran his best friend and never wishing to leave his side as he was his seemingly only source of happiness, and learning that having feelings for someone since you were thirteen years old was bound to turn into love sooner or later.

as the days got harder for lance, the team began to get snappier, unknowingly yelling at lance to ‘leave them alone and go do his beauty masks’, as if it was the only thing he was good for. that left lance to feel like they no longer wanted him around, and only viewed him as the burden and the punching bag for their verbal insults, and without any evidence to prove otherwise, he simply let it add to the pile that was soon going to topple over. 

though keith stayed by his side through most of the day, and though the occasional times when lance couldn’t feel numb enough to hide his emotions and tears, he soon found even that wasn’t enough to want him to stay, simply not finding the energy to find the love that he deep down knew the red paladin returned for him.

after months of spiralling pain, out of control thoughts and the steady decrease of any positive emotion, he decided that whilst keith was training, he would place the nozzle of his bayard that had somehow morphed into the shape of a simple handgun gun against his temple, finally finding a reason to smile as his finger found the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the reason why i am writing something so depressing is that i find writing/reading a form of venting, and it somehow helps me to cope when i write it down? i in no way am trying to romanticise suicide or mental illness, rather the storyline of having a suicidal character who cannot die sprung to my mind and i thought why not write it about lance mcclain, especially after the many langst stories i had read.
> 
> this story will contain klance, along with a l o t  of langst, so it will be a mix of both. i have no idea about the expected word or chapter length, or how often updates will be due to myself entering my final year of school, but i hope you can bare with me through that.
> 
> so overall, i hope you enjoy this story :) 
> 
> [this is being cross-posted on both ao3 and wattpad]


	2. death and all his friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keith finds lance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i cried when writing this what the fuck

keith was the person to hear the bang echo throughout the castle, and so keith was the person who was able to track it back to lance’s room, where the door was locked shut. he knocked on the door, palm pressing against the metal as he waited for a response, but when he didn’t receive one, he felt panic begin to rise in his throat. 

“lance, if you don’t open this door in five seconds, i’m overriding this lock and coming in!” keith yelled out through the door, silently counting down in his head before pressing in a series of numbers in the keypad that lay on the wall.

when the electronic door finally opened, keith immediately felt both tears and bile willing their way out of his system. lance was slumped against the wall, blood seeping out of a hole in the side of his head, causing a large puddle of red to pool around where the cuban was laying. behind him were patterns of brain matter mixed with blood, splattered on the wall in such a vicious manner that it made keith’s stomach turn. 

the texan let out a choked sound as he stumbled his way across the room over to where lance’s dead body lay, trying to avoid the blood that seemed to have spread everywhere.

“no. nonono. c’mon lance, goddamn it. you’re not dead. you’re not dead,” keith was almost in hysterics by the time he reached the other boy’s body. 

he no longer cared about the blood, instead he dropped to his knees and clutched onto lance’s corpse, bringing the boy into his lap as he wrapped his arms around him. he was screaming, heavy tears rolling down his cheeks as he cradled lance’s dead form in his arms. 

the world seemed to slow around him, taking in nothing but the lack of rise and fall in the cuban’s chest, and the blood that still slowly seeped from the wound. he recognised a pair of arms snaking their way around his waist, but he paid them no mind as he blindly clutched onto the last bit of lance. only when said arms tried to pull him away from lance did he respond though, hysterically screaming as he tried to escape their grasp. he managed to break free from the strong grip only once, blindly crawling his way back over to the dead boy, hands and knees being coated from the blood that was pooled on the floor.

shiro watched as the boy who he called a brother screamed and thrashed around in his arms, trying to inch closer to the blue paladin’s dormant body. he couldn’t help but let a few tears slip past his lids, placing the blame of the pure boy’s suicide on himself.

“keith, he’s dead. you need to let go of him,” shiro spoke in keith’s ear, using all his strength to prevent the boy from escaping his grasp.

“i can’t. i can’t! lance, lance what are you doing! shiro help him, you can save him! i can’t lose him too, please not him!” keith was barely forming coherent sentences, let alone taking in the reality of the situation.

shiro looked around at the other’s in the room, all of who were distraught. hunk was doubled over from emptying his stomach’s contents, broken sobs escaping his lips. pidge was standing by the door, eyes wide and dropping silent tears, looking at the boy who she called a brother’s dead body. allura was clutched onto coran’s side, hand covering her mouth muffling the high-pitched sounds, while coran let fat tears cascade down his cheeks, watching as his non-biological son lay unmoving and bleeding out. 

shiro managed to get a firm grip on keith’s arms, slowly dragging him out into the hallway, away from lance’s body who was now being held by a sobbing hunk. keith still hadn’t calmed down, his breathing erratic as he choked on the tears that just wouldn’t stop flowing.

“keith, i need you to breathe for me. do you think you can do that for me kiddo?” shiro spoke softly.

keith shook his head, not being able to form any coherent words as his entire body shook, breathing picking up even quicker as he realised that he couldn’t get any air into his lungs.

“okay keith, i’m gonna need you to follow my breathing okay. deep breath in,” shiro inhaled deeply, watching as the texan tried to do the same, “and breathe out,” this time he followed with a loud exhale, “now i need you to do that again buddy, alright? just a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.”

shiro repeated that action until keith’s breathing had somewhat calmed down, enough for him to start speaking.

“i want you to count up by twos for me now. do you think you can do that for me keith?” this time keith nodded and let out a quiet yes through his exhale, “alright kiddo, two, four, six...” by the time shiro hit twelve, keith began to join in, continuing until the red paladin hit seventy-two before deciding that keith had calmed down enough to let go of his arms.

“i’m sorry,” the smaller boy whispered, diverting his eyes to lance’s door, tearing up before sharply looking away down to the floor. 

“keith, don’t apologise. it’s not your fault. none of this is your fault, you got that?” shiro confirmed, voice not loud but with a firm tone to show that he was being sincire.

“but i heard him, i fucking _heard_ his thoughts right before i heard the gun. i could’ve…i could’ve done something…helped him, saved him, i don’t know, but i could’ve made sure that he’s still here, that he didn’t feel the need to fucking put a bullet through his skull!” 

though keith now had composure, shiro would have thought he turned numb, not feeling anything as he said those words so clearly, if it wasn’t for the steady drop of tears that seemed to not stop. the black paladin’s heart broke at the sight, wanting nothing more than to help him, to just make him feel better, to just wake up and hope that lance was still alive and well.

he wondered if pidge would be able to turn back time, to go back and make sure that lance never made the decision to end his own life. but he also knew that the fourteen year old girl, far too young to witness her brother-like best friend bleed out in front of her, far too young to even be in a war this size, did not know how to control her powers, no matter how smart she was.

“keith, this is. not. your. fault. do you hear me? not even your powers could have realised what he was going through. just because you can hear people’s thoughts, doesn’t mean that he can’t hide his from you. we know for a fact that until you control your powers, you can only hear what people let you hear or what people don’t even realise they’re thinking. just like none of us have a full grasp on our powers, none of us could’ve stopped him once he had his mind set on it.

“he has been sad for so long, and he didn’t want us to worry about him, didn’t want us to be a burden. you know his insecurities, he thought he was helping us, eliminating the problem.”

“ _how can you say that?!_ ” keith shouted with a start, “he would nev-“

keith stopped mid-sentence as he saw the note shiro was holding out to him, a paper that held all of lances final words, all of his concerns and insecurities and goodbyes to everyone. he waited for the red paladin to finish reading over the double-sided sheet, watching his face crumple as he read over the last paragraph of his goodbye, one that shiro knew would affect keith for years.

“he _loved_ me? why didn’t he _tell_ me? he _knew_ i loved him back, we spent so much time together these past weeks, i thought he knew i would’ve done anything for him. i don’t understand! oh god, maybe i didn’t show him enough, maybe i should’ve-“

“keith, even i could see that when you were with him, you made him happy, just as he made you happy. i know how much you love him, and how much he loved you, and just because you never told him how you feel, it doesn’t make this your fault. you did everything you could to make him happy when he was sad or homesick, and god, even i hate myself for not knowing just how deep down his pain went. but believe me, if he was happy, it was almost always because you were at his side.”

keith just wordlessly nodded, cheeks soaked and blotchy, water still running from his eyes, but he managed to stand up off the floor he landed on during his panic attack, walking past the door to lance’s room, wincing as he heard coran scrubbing what he knew was the blue paladin’s blood. he made his way down to the med-bay, shiro striding alongside him, facing the other paladins and allura who were silently weeping over lance’s now clean but cold body.

he felt a tug on his arm, and looked down to find pidge, shrunken into herself with a face bright with tears, holding out lance’s infamous olive-green jacket.

“he would want you to have it,” the girl whispered as keith gently took the clothing out of her hands, and almost immediately bringing it to his face to inhale lance’s scent which he knew he would never smell again.

he could feel a new wave of sobs trying to break out of his throat, managing out a weak ‘thank you’ before breaking down into the fabric he held up against his face. he recognised small arms wrapping around his waist, holding him whilst he wailed over the boy he loved. 

it took a few minutes before the half-galran had resumed back to his silent crying, slowly untangling himself out of pidge’s arms and quietly walking over to lance’s body. he couldn’t understand why he felt the need to take his own life, why he couldn’t see just how loved and needed he was. but it was too late to reassure him, to remind him that he was one of the most important people in keith’s life.

 

so instead, he gently sat down next to where lance lay, taking his long slender fingers in his own, and vowed that he would not let go even if his life depended on it.


	3. oh how i loved you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keith's goodbye to lance

keith did not remove himself from lance’s side since he was moved to the cryo chamber hours ago, the cuban’s body lying on the table, awaiting being put into a pod to preserve his body. the half-galran boy refused to let go of his hand, a steady flow of tears seeming to never stop falling down his pale cheeks. 

shiro watched from the doorway, eyes watering as he watched his brother in so much pain, watching him lose yet another person who he allowed himself to get close to. he knew how keith refused to let anyone close, afraid of having them abandon him like his parents, but here he was, allowing himself to fall in love with the ex-blue paladin, only to have him leave in the worst way possible. 

“hey keith,” shiro started, walking forward and placing a steady hand on his shoulder, not missing the way he flinched at the touch, “allura is going to put him in the pod in a few dobashes.”

only then did keith look up, his face scrunching up as a new wave of fat tears dropped off his chin.

“shiro, please don’t make me let go of him. i can’t leave him,” the black-haired boy chocked out.

“i hate this just as much as you, but you know just as well as i do that he needs to be put into the pod. you’ll still be able to talk to him if that makes you feel any better,” shiro spoke softly, trying to tell the orders from allura without having keith falling into another uncontrollable breakdown.

it never dawned on the japanese boy just how much lance meant to his little brother. at first, the two could only ever see each other as rivals, mostly due to lance’s first proper encounter when saving shiro from the garrison. but as time passed on, he, along with the other paladins, noticed the change between the two boys, and watched as the insults turned into harmless bickering. shiro, having keith come to him many times about how ‘lance is the most beautiful human there is and shiro i think i am in love’. of course he could see just how much lance anchored keith, and how much the two boys cared about each other.

“just let me have a few more dobashes with him, please. let me say a proper goodbye,” keith croaked out, his gaze lingering on lances face.

shiro just leant down and placed a kiss on keith’s head, then playing one on lance’s cold one, before whispering out a ‘ _sure thing keith_ ’, proceeding to walk out of the cryoroom. 

 

keith placed his head on lance’s chest, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to imagine what his life would now be like with the blue paladin gone. he didn’t want to think of a world without the cuban’s bright smiles and corny jokes, without his caring nature and constant help and kindness to all the paladins. without the playful bickering between himself and lance, the late-time talks and long caging hugs that always made keith feel safe. 

“jesus lance, why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way,” keith spoke into lances chest, tightening the hold on his slender fingers, “you have always been there for me, why couldn’t you have let me be there for you?”

the texan boy recalled the note lance left, the words useless and burden being burned into his mind. he refused to think about the final section of the note, his final confession towards keith. he hated knowing that lance believed that keith did not love him, that keith only thought of him as lazy and a joke.

“you mean so much to me, goddamn it, and i’m so sorry that i never showed you that enough. i’m so sorry that you couldn’t see just how much i love you, and just how much you have impacted my life in the best of ways. 

“you always accepted me from day one, even before we got close. even though you made up that stupid rivalry, you still cared so much about me, always making sure i was included and making sure i didn’t overwork myself from training. after i came back from the blade trial with the knowledge that i was part-galra, despite everyone else, including shiro, being wary of be for the first day, you just came right up to me and dragged me to your room, making sure that i knew you thought no less of me. and god, as i broke down, you just…pulled me into one of your protecting hugs, your whole body caging mine, whispering that i was still the same keith that you know and care about, and fuck, i knew that i would love you for the rest of my life.”

by this point, keith had completely broken down once again, tears and snot running down his face as he dry-heaved from how hard he was sobbing.

“ _lance..._ ” he choked out, looking up at his resting face, the normal, lively tanned skin now ashen and pale, “why did you have to leave us…leave _me_.”

keith could not find it in himself to say goodbye, could not manage to unclasp him hand from the fingers he wrapped his own around. he never wanted to live in a world without him, didn’t want to admit that it was his own fault that lance decided to die, that he shouldn’t have gotten himself attached if he knew the consequences. 

first his mother, gone before he could even remember, then his father, gone before he even had a proper grasp on what the outside world would be like. being shoved into foster care, going through more homes than he could count because he was _unwanted_ , because he was _never enough_. finally finding shiro, the first person since his father who cared and never gave up on him despite how much of a terrible kid he was, even after he tried time and time again to push him away, the older boy always came back. after he decided that shiro wouldn’t leave him live everybody else, and after he let himself grow attached, shiro was taken from him, not only once, but twice. however, he let lance in close after he lost shiro, and after he learnt who he was, and grew closer with him that he had anybody else. but of course, just like every single person keith learned to love, they left him.

“i just wish that i told you, maybe then you would see that you weren’t alone, that you never would be alone, like i was. i could’ve made sure that you felt loved every second of the day, that no one would ever be able to hurt you again. i will always love you lance, you will always be the first person i have ever loved, and i will always, always keep you in my heart,” keith whispered, voice hoarse from all the harsh crying.

the texan boy turned numb, laying his head on the bed next to lances upper torso, completely giving up any hope left in his life. in a few minutes, lance was going to be nothing more than a body in a pod and a harsh memory and reminder of how they unknowingly hurt him. 

what he didn’t expect however was lance suddenly heaving a deep breath and throwing his whole body onto a seating position as his heart began to start beating again.


	4. so i return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man, i am so sorry for this being so late. from family drama that liked to mess with my mental health, from severely procrastinating when i should have been doing productive things like trying to write another chapter. but oh well, here it is and i hope you enjoy :)

lance sat up, choking on air as he forced himself to breathe, keith throwing his head off the bed so fast it cracked, which also resulted in him flying off his chair and hitting the ground hard. the texan boy looked up at lance in shock, tears forcing their way to his eyes as he watched colour return to the tanned boy’s skin.

“lance?” keith whispered, inwardly cringing at how hopeful his voice sounded, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing was real.

which wasn’t entirely unexpected, how many people who put a bullet through their skull, stopping their heart, come back to life in full force. he wasn’t entirely sure yet whether or not this was his mind’s doing, whether his grief was forcing him to imagine the boy he loved returning to the living only to watch him leave again.

lance slowly turned his head toward keith, doing nothing but blinking with a blank expression as he processed _i am alive why am i alive i thought i died why am i alive_ without fully understanding how he was suddenly sitting up with a beating heart, his first answer to why he was still here was that the altean castleship had some form of resurrection method, and they brought him back to life.

with that thought in mind, the cuban harshly glared at keith, throwing out a sharp ‘ _why the fuck did you bring me back_ ”. keith’s shocked expression completely dropped into one that couldn’t be viewed as anything other than heartbreak and despair.

“lance,” the red paladin pushed out, no other words forming on his tongue as he realised that the boy in front of him was so set on the idea of ending his life that he got mad when he realised he never got the result he wanted, hearing the cuban’s rapid thoughts of ‘ _why am i here, i am such a fucking failure if i can’t even kill myself properly with a gun, sharpshooter my fucking ass_ ’.

lance, upon realising just how broken keith looked, and remembering keith’s mind reading abilities, softened his gaze and took a deep breath, this time in an attempt to calm himself of the rapid emotions flying throughout his head.

“keith, what happened? i could’ve sworn i died, how am i back here”

keith, who tried to process how to answer that question, looked so pained whilst doing so, that lance began to regret ever asking, only now taking into account that he definitely did die for keith to be looking as broken as he did, tears and snot covering his red puffy face as he began to sob. 

“y-you were in your room, and i heard the gunshot, a-and i ran to you as fast as i could, b-b-but you were already _g-gone_ , and the _b-blood_ , oh my god there was so m-much. but you were d-dead, for hours, next m-minute you started _breathing_ , and h-here we are.”

any bit of anger that was in lance’s system left as he realised just how fucked up he was for doing this to keith, for abandoning his best friend, the boy who means more to him than anyone else ever could. he knew all of keith’s insecurities, all of the stories revolving around keith’s constant abandonment as a child, yet here he was, leaving him just like everyone else who keith let himself get close to.

“ _keith_ ,” lance choked out, disappointment at himself and the typical self-hatred flushing out every other emotion until he was sobbing, tears dripping off his chin as his eyes stuck to the texan’s crying figure, “i’m so sorry keith.”

keith, instead of responding, jumped up off the floor and scrambled onto lance’s bed, not hesitating to wrap all of his limb’s around the lanky boy. he felt lance’s arms curl around his body, one hand resting on keith’s back, pushing him impossibly closer so that they were chest-to-chest almost painfully, with the cuban’s other hand tangling itself though his hair in a gentle manner.

both boys were sobbing, foreheads pressed up against each other as they refused to let go, neither of the two caring about what they looked like to each other, keith hysterical from losing lance and only just getting him back, whilst lance was so _regretful_ for leaving keith, but so _thankful_ that he got a second chance with keith.

the hand that lance placed on the red-paladin’s back gripped his jacket tightly, keith sighing in content with tears still falling down his cheeks, managing to push himself closer to lance’s chest, picking up on his thoughts that screamed _i love you keith oh god i love you i’m so sorry but i am so fucking in love with you_.

keith jumped back slightly in shock, limbs still tangled against the boy in front of him but enough to look at his features, which was slowly morphing into embarrassed realisation, aware that his thoughts were read.

“do you really mean that?” keith whispered, eyes so hopeful it made lance’s heart clench.

the cuban moved his hands onto the texan’s cheeks, before speaking in a low voice, “keith, i’ve loved you for a very long time, and i’m so sorry that i tried to leave you, but just know that i’ve always loved you. you were the only reason why i was able to hang on for so long, much longer than i would’ve ever imagined. you made me so _happy_ , and you made me remember that there was more to life than what the dark side of my brain made me see.

“i know that in the end i gave in to the voices, especially the ones that told me that you hated me, and believe me, they fucking _hurt_ , but i love you so much keith, and never you doubt that for a second.”

keith began sobbing again, but it lacked the sadness his first round of hysterics had, instead he lurched forward and attached his lips to lance’s, squeezing his eyes shut as he relished in the sensation of _kissing lance_. it was nothing more than a simple kiss, no intentions other than to share the deep love the two boys had for each other.

“i love you too lance, so goddamn much it hurts, especially when you died, i felt so _lost_ , but here you are, and fuck it if i don’t love you even more than i did before. i know that i haven’t known much love in the past, but i do know that you mean more to me than anyone else ever could.”

this time lance initiated the kiss, leaning forward and gripping keith in an attempt to pull him closer, silent tears tracking down his face as he found there was nothing other than love, both received and returned, flowing through his brain.

he felt _complete_ with keith, like nothing in the world could tear him down whilst keith was at his side. though he knew that wasn’t exactly true, he never wanted to let keith go, pulling away from his soft lips to instead wrap his arms back around the other boy’s body, similar to their earlier position. lance pushed his head into the crook of keith’s neck, breathing in his scent which was simply _keith_ , a musky smell that mixed with sweat and a slight hint of mint.

the two boys sat like that, not speaking a word, just appreciating the warmth and the pulse and the smell of the other, neither wanting to release their grip. what they didn’t anticipate however, was shiro walking through the door into the cryoroom with the intent of telling keith that it was time for lance’s body to be put to rest, instead freezing when he saw lance very much alive and wrapped around his little brother’s body.

both keith and lance looked at each other with a jolt, both sporting wide eyes, before slowly turning their heads to see a pale looking shiro, who looked at a loss of what to say or do. his mouth opened and closed, gaping like a fish out of water, completely unable to form a sentence to assess the situation.

instead, what came out of shiro’s mouth wasn’t unexpected, and rather justified seeing the situation he was currently in, but was spoken in such a chocked tone it sounded like he had never used his voice before uttering those three words.

_“what the fuck…”_


	5. feel the remorse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what was he supposed to say to _hunk_ , his best friend since he was seven years old, and the best friend who he told everything to. how was he supposed to explain to _pidge_ , his little sister, that he never meant for her to lose another brother, especially in a way so selfish. _coran_ , god, how would he be able to apologise to _coran_ for so willingly making him lose the person he called a son. he definitely had no clue what to say to _allura_ , because _what can you even say when you were allowing thousands to die just because you couldn’t handle it_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my final year of school is a bitch. this is me saying fuck you to schoolwork so i can update this book. but here the chapter is, sorry for it being so late :(

_“lance?”_ shiro forced out, voice rough and laced with pure shock and confusion.

lance took in his leader’s form, cheeks pale and limbs slightly shaking, dark grey eyes filling with tears, an expression the cuban would have never thought he would see directed to himself.

“look man, i just woke up a few minutes ago and i have no idea how,” lance stated, not quite knowing what to say other than the answer to the question that would most likely be asked.

shiro was at a loss of what to do or say, so instead he rushed over to the bed where both lance and keith were still hugging on, wrapping his arms around the two boys as he silently cried into the blue paladin’s hair.

“lance, oh god i’m so sorry lance. i’m sorry that myself and the team made you feel this way, i never wanted you to be hurt. i understand of you hate me now, i mean i would hate me, but jesus lance, you can’t even understand how sorry i am. i just-“

“shiro, _calm down, it’s okay_ ,” lance smiled softly, cutting off the black paladin’s rambling, taking the hand that was in keith’s hair and placing it on his cheek, “i’m not mad at you, or at anyone. it was my stupid mind that led me to that decision, and i’m the one who is sorry for doing that.”

“lance, you should never have to apologise for feeling that way. as you said, it was your thoughts, not you, so you should never have to feel sorry for feeling like the only way to feel free is by taking your own life.”

lance choked on a sob, a strangled ‘ _shiro_ ’ passing through his lips. he would have never thought that his leader, his _idol_ and _hero_ , would care this much about him, and quite frankly, he didn’t know how to react to that fact.

of-course his brain had something to say, thoughts of _he’s only pitying you because you failed to kill yourself, in a week he will stop pretending to care how much do you want to bet he hates you so much that he wishes you did die because i know you feel that way too honestly so useless can’t even kill yourself properly with a gun_ flowing through the make-shift barrier he has up so keith can’t hear the self-deprecating thoughts.

“lance, that is so far from the truth, jesus,” ‘ _guess the barrier didn’t work_ ’ lance thought silently, turning his head to look at keith’s broken expression.

“fuck, we all care about you lance, more than you could ever know. when you were dead, we couldn’t even function, and that was only a few hours. if you were gone, we would never be okay again. sure, over time with _a lot_ of healing, we may be able to work together once again, but we would never be the same without you, and i just wish you could see that too.”

lance couldn’t hold back his next round of tears as he hid his head in the crook of keith’s neck, loud sobs once again making their way through his chapped lips. ‘ _i love you keith, i really fucking love you_ ’ lance projected so keith could hear his thoughts. he felt the texan tighten his grip on himself, leaning down so his ears brushed against his ear, whispering in a voice so soft he doubted shiro could even hear despite still having his arms wrapped around them both.

“i love you too, god i love you so fucking much, i would be so lost without you in my life. there will never be enough words to express just how much i love you.”

lance looked up at keith through his tears, giggling as he spoke in a soft tone, “that was so cheesy, did you get that line straight from a romance novel?”

“says the one who has the cheesiest pickup lines that never work”

“excuse you mullet, i’ll have you know that my lines woo all the ladies and gents”

“oh yeah, you woo them all right, they definitely work on everyone”

“they worked on you, didn’t they?”

keith immediately blushed and stuttered, turning away as his face turned red, lance’s smirk growing until he burst into a fit of laughter. despite the event that held a heavy weight over their heads, lance couldn’t be more thankful that keith continued to act the same around him, and not like he would break any moment. their entire relationship formed from annoyed bickering turned playful, and it would be a shame to have to give that up.

shiro looked down at the two and couldn’t help but smile despite the grim circumstances. not only was he so _fucking thankful_ that lance was alive and okay, but he could see just how happy they made each other, and it truly warmed his heart to see the love they shared.

his smile soon slipped off his face as he realised he was going to have to tell the team who were currently in the common room crying into each other’s shoulders that lance was alive. though he knew the news in itself was going to be happy, he was also aware of how upsetting and messy the situation could become.

shiro didn’t want to hurt lance more than everything already had, knowing that lance was going to blame himself for his team being upset, for making everybody he cared about feel the way they are. he also knew that one wrong comment could essentially send lance into another spiral of self-hatred, and knew that keith would most likely also suffer from hearing lance’s negative thoughts.

he knew that mental illnesses didn’t magically go away, and he knew that even though lance was happy with keith in that moment, he was going to crash in a few hours’ time, even sooner since he had to face the others. shiro desperately wished that his power could see ahead into the near future, to see if the interaction between lance and the other paladin’s will go well, or even to see if lance would still be alive and okay on a later period.

however, he knew that life wasn’t that simple, and he would have to start making the future on his own, starting with breaking apart keith and lance’s happy cuddle.

“hey lance?” shiro spoke his name softly, the blue paladin tilting his head up in question, “we’re going to have to tell the others that you’re here, we were going to put your body to rest around now if you didn’t…”

the black paladin trailed off, unable to finish the sentence, keith cringing as his eyes watered, not wanting to think about the _what if_.

“well better now than never, right?” lance responded with a strange grin, attempting to lighten the mood but dropping it when he realised he had no clue what to say to the others.

what was he supposed to say to _hunk_ , his best friend since he was seven years old, and the best friend who he told everything to. how was he supposed to explain to _pidge_ , his little sister, that he never meant for her to lose another brother, especially in a way so selfish. _coran_ , god, how would he be able to apologise to _coran_ for so willingly making him lose the person he called a son. he definitely had no clue what to say to _allura_ , because _what can you even say when you were allowing thousands to die just because you couldn’t handle it_.

“lance, it’ll be okay,” keith started, taking one of lance’s hands in his own and intertwining their fingers, “i won’t lie, they are upset, but not angry and disappointed at you. if anything, they’ll all be blaming themselves, just as you tend to do. they will be so happy to know you’re okay, trust me.”

“i’ll always trust you keith,” the blue paladin whispered, pushing his forehead against keith’s for a second before pulling back, and removing himself from the bed, dragging the texan down with him.

“well i guess it’s time”, lance huffed out, a shiver going down his spine as he followed shiro out of the cryo chamber, holding onto keith’s hand as tight as he could as they walked side by side down the castle’s corridor’s. 

it took them four minutes and eighteen seconds to reach the hallway leading to the common area, lance’s anxiety spiking during the short trip, and finding that counting towards the inevitable seemed to slow his heartrate down slightly. but as he looked down towards the double open doors, he felt himself freeze, muscles instinctively locking as they did before a panic attack.

“keith,” the cuban pushed out, tears welling up in his eyes as he felt his breathing picking up and heartbeat starting to pound in his ears.

“lance, hey, look at me,” keith spoke softly sensing the panic that was radiating off the taller boy’s body, “that’s it baby, eyes on me.”

lance continued to shake, breathing now coming in short gasps, which sent his mind into even more panic with the knowledge that he couldn’t breathe. but he followed keith’s instructions, moving his eyes so they locked with the texan’s, trying to focus on the touch of the boy in front of him.

“now focus on my breathing,” keith continued, deepening his breaths so lance could easily follow, giving another squeeze of encouragement to the tanned hands that never left his.

it took a couple of minutes before lance’s breathing evened out back to normal, and both boys were just grateful that the panic attack wasn’t too severe, unlike keith’s earlier episode before lance’s heart started beating again.

without saying a word, keith pulled the cuban into a tight embrace, locking his arms around the other’s neck, placing a kiss on the skin that dipped into his collarbone, before looking ahead at shiro who was standing a few meters away, looking over with a worried expression but allowing keith to take control of the situation. 

a few moments passed before lance sighed deeply, slowly pulling away from the texan’s hold whilst he re-gripped his hand. he turned his head back towards the doors that sent him into a mode of panic, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them seconds later, preparing for what would occur once he walked through those doors, knowing exactly what he had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is the reunion between lance and the other paladins, sorry to keep y'all waiting whoops. i'm going to try and work on the next chapter as soon as i can, so hopefully expect it next week? anyway, i love you guys, and thanks for bearing with me <3


End file.
